I'm scared right now. I'm terrified.

I'm being given my 80th chance to graduate high school. Seriously, I've had so many chances thrown my way that I've lost count. So many times they should've failed me, should've told me to go away, and then didn't.

But this is it. I know that this time. This is it. No more after this one. And that's what I'm so terrified of. I'm so afraid I'm going to screw up again, mainly because I know myself. I know how I opperate. And I know that chances are, I'll screw this one up. Because I've been telling myself for years that if I only had one more chance, I wouldn't let it slip through my fingers. And then I did.

My dad keeps telling me I should be willing to do anything to graduate. And I know that he's right. But I can't for the life of me figure it out.

Why am I so special? Why do I keep getting all these chances thrown in my direction? I'm a true believer in fate and I can't figure out why I'm that important in the grand scheme of things. I can't figure it out. What am I destined to do that is this important? Maybe I'm wrong and it's all bullshit.

I know I'm smart, but fuck. When did being smart ever get you anywhere? My mom is smart. She's a 42 year old alcoholic living in low income housing, surviving partially because of a job at a liquor store. My brother is smart. He's a 21 year old alcoholic who's completely complacent living out his days drinking and working in a factory. He's the one I'm most afraid of.

When I was younger, he was my idol. I looked up to him like he was God. Everything he did was right and everything he hated was sin. But now look at him. He came over today, toting a 40 in a paper bag at noon. He was already drunk at noon. And he's completely fine with this. He's happy being divorced at 21. He's happy working his graveyard shift job. He's happy living in a house that is just about as big as my kitchen and living room put together. He's happy with all of that. Despite the fact that if you told him this four years ago, he would've never believed it. He wanted to play music. He wanted to make enough money playing music to live off of. But now, he doesn't have that, and what he has is enough for him. Well, let me tell you something. He's good. He's real good. He's one of the three best bass players I've ever heard, and I've heard a lot of bass players. He's got everything it takes... and yet, he doesn't want it anymore. When did living his life out like my mother become enough for him? When did it suddenly become good enough to not be what you spent the majority of your life striving to be? When did it suddenly become okay to give up that dream?

I don't want to be a 21 year old alcoholic working 12 hours a day in a factory and have it be enough. I don't want to settle for that. I don't want that to be it for me. I don't want to get there and give up because I've got enough money to pay my rent. I don't want to give up what I want because I don't have enough balls to go for it.

And I'm so afraid that that's what it'll come to. I'm so afraid of that. I'm afraid I'll screw this one up and no more. But at the same time, I don't know how to get out of this cycle. I thought I had it beat. I thought I had what it took to make it through. And then I fucked up. I'll be the first to admit that. I fucked up. And yet... they're giving me another chance.

I want to yell. I want to scream and have it be enough. I want someone out there to understand the concept of accidental self-destruction. I want someone to understand what I mean when I say, "I want to be happy but I don't know how." I want someone to get it. I want someone who's been through this and survived. I want someone who's seen what'll come, hated it, then lived out the fucking self-fulfilled prophecy anyway. Because I don't know how to do anything different. People have been telling me all my life that I have the power to change my life, my ways, but I've never been able to put my finger on it. I can't find that in myself. I don't even know if I have it.

I've lived my entire life dependent on other people. I don't know any different. And I'm petrified that that's what'll be my downfall.