So tonight I hang with my sister. And things will be okay for awhile. It's like, okay, life's alright, winter's just bringing me down and no one in their right mind would feel sorry for me. At least I don't think they would. Because they shouldn't.

Like at work, I say I'm depressed and everyone's like, "Why? What happened?" And it's not anything, it's just everything. And I could have a million dollars and a mansion and live the life I always dreamed and I would still be depressed. That's who I am, and that's who I'll be, and it's my shit and I deal with it, and I complain about it, but that doesn't change the fact that it's mine and no one else is involved.

I did some heavy duty thinking last night about life, and I don't know what I want anymore. I mean, this life, that a year ago seemed so great, now... I don't know. Nothing ever seems enough. Maybe it's human nature, to always want more, but it seems to me that everyone else is relatively happy in their lives and I just can't force myself to be, no matter how hard I try. And if you asked me what I wanted to change, I couldn't tell you, because although I feel the need, I don't know what there is to change.

This is what I've always wanted, and yet, it never is all it's cracked up to be, is it? And I look in the mirror and all I see is a thousand flaws, even though that's never what anyone else sees. I guess it just like this: if you look at something for long enough, you're going to find some flaws, no matter how great it is. And you're always with yourself, so there's plenty of time to see the flaws that no one else gets to see.

And the people that love me and care about me seriously think that I'm a good person, but they can't see the things I think that I know it's good to keep inside. So they never see the whole picture.

And it's always been my theory that no one can know who you are totally, even if they're around you 24-7, because there's too much there. And they're going to be looking at you in their context, and that always is going to affect how they see you. So they know you based on who they are, so really, is that knowing you?

I don't know though. Life is so fucked up. People are so fucked up. I'm so fucked up. And that's the tall and the short of it. We're all fucked, and that's it.

"Walks on his own, with thoughts he can't help thinking. Future's above, but in the past he's slow and sinking."

Nothingman by Pearl Jam.