Hmmmm. Nothing to say, but nothing better to do, so I'll fake it.

I went over my dad's today. I gave him that thing I wrote about me not being "Rachy-Poo" anymore. It almost made him cry. I could hear it in his voice as he was telling me that it almost made him cry; why didn't he? In an odd way, I think that would've made us closer than we are.

My uncle Jim almost died last week and my mom didn't even bother to tell me. My dad filled me in and when I got home I was like, "Oh yeah, thanks for not telling me about Uncle Jim, Mom." And all she could say was that she thought she told me. What if he'd died? What then? Would she be sorrier then? But I don't want to think about that anymore.

So, Paul's continuing on his indignant, "I don't want her back" stance. Why is he so fucking arrogant? His whole facade of pride is making him lose his wife! And anyone who knew him before her and after her can tell you that she's the best thing that ever happened to him. But no, he'll never admit that. In a way, he's acting exactly like the one person he never wanted to be: Mom. One day, fifty years from now, he'll be on his death bed crying about how he should've tried to get her back. God, at least tell her he wants her back! I'm not saying he has to send a dozen roses a day and write fifty songs about his love for her... just let it be known. Maybe she thinks he wants it to go to hell. Maybe it was never as perfect as I thought it was, though. Maybe they weren't meant to be together forever. Hell, maybe he's supposed to be together forever with his divorce lawyer, or someone else he'll meet through this situation. I'm a hopeless romantic and a true believer in fate. But maybe that's all shit and no one was ever meant to be happy; it just falls in their lap one day and it's up to them to keep it...

I don't know how to describe my mood today. On the one hand, I want to jump for joy and be happy I'm alive, but on the other hand, there's this overwhelming need to cry and get it all out lurking inside of me. But I don't even know what I need to get out. Probably just the same old shit.

"Now I realize that you never heard one god damn word I ever said." People are always just waiting for their turn, they're never listening. But I do the same. I just need to listen to myself and get healthy and live my life. I need to rollerblade. It needs to get warm outside so I can rollerblade. Rollerblading is the cure-all for me.

"Everyone's just waiting for their own turn, kinda like show and tell." "Imaginary Friend" by Chantal Kreviasuk