I don't know why, but I haven't felt much like writing lately. I can only offer a small guess.

I'm falling in love. Yes, Rachel the cynic, is falling in love. And the whole writer's block thing happened last time I fell in love too. I have so much on my mind, so much running through it like a train racing on a track... I've never felt so good and so confused at the same time.

I'm scared. No. In fact, I'm terrified. I don't know if I can give myself to someone again. But I can't hurt him. I can't even begin to think about hurting him. He's amazing. He's wonderful and when I'm around him, and even when I'm not around him, I find myself thinking about things I'm just not supposed to. I think about the future and whether or not he'll have a place in it. I'm getting way ahead of myself, and yet it's the only thing that feels right.

This past summer, when Dave visited me at work and tried to find a place for me in his life, I wrote a list of all the things my perfect guy would be. And he comes scarily close. Unbelievably close. When you make a list like that, you never think that you'll actually find someone out there who fits the description... and now I have, in the least likely of sources.

A year ago, if you asked me what my life would be like at this point, I never would've said that I'd be where I am now. But I am. I'm on the verge of something incredible. But I'm not sure I want to grab it.

I mean, sure, I do, but there's so much I'd have to give in order for it to work out. He says that I'm very hard for him to get to know. Yes. I am. And I like it that way. I've only ever let one male into my life the way he wants to be let in, and we all know how that ended.

So, it's very scary. I feel a rush of emotions at every second I'm with him. I want to be with him all the time. We lie in my bed at night and it's enough to make me totally happy. How many times in my life have I said I was totally happy? Not many. And when I'm with him, I feel that way.

I'm scared, but I'm beginning to think that it's worth it. It's worth the risk. I think he really does belive that he'll never hurt me, but people and things and situations all change. I don't know.

I'm constantly trying to talk myself out of this. I try to find some flaw, some thing, whether it be big or little, to make this unreal or not worth it, but I just can't find it. And with all the time I spend trying to talk myself out of it, that's got to mean something.

I don't know. But I think I'm the happiest I've been in a long time.