I wrote this the other day. I hate myself for holding onto this stuff still.

**************************************

I see you.

A definitive part of my past.

A definitive moment in my life.

And I can't help but wonder...

Will these feelings ever go away?

I stopped feeling anything good for you long ago.

Now all I want is revenge.

I feel the anger bubbling up inside of me,

As I watch you live your life.

Your happy little life.

As if you know not what you did.

You don't seem to realize the pain you caused.

You can't seem to see the void I so often felt.

You live out your life, happy and blind.

And yet, you see what you want to see.

I once wrote that I wanted to show you,

All of the things you had destroyed in me.

But no, not anymore.

Now my goal is for you to see what you left.

I want to talk to you,

Exchange simple pleasantries.

I want to make you fall in love with me,

As I once did before.

I want you to get in deep.

So deep that you lose control.

You'll come crawling back to me.

Begging on your knees.

Praying for forgiveness.

Repeating the mantra over and over again.

Until it becomes all consuming.

Until it drives you mad.

Just like it did for me once.

And I will glance at my feet,

At the ruin you've become.

And I will smile a syrupy sweet smile.

And simply tell you no.

Then, as you lie on the ground,

In the ruin that you've become.

I will walk, slowly and deliberately over to him.

I will grab his hand,

And you will know.

This is what you missed.

Me giving myself to him in whole.

A true love you never could've spawned.

And I will be clensed of you.

You will fade in the dust of times past.

And I will forget you.

I will finally forget you.

***************************************

A year and a half after and I still want him to feel pain. That cannot be healthy.

Will I ever begin to forgive and forget? I have everything he could never give me and I'm happier now than I've been in a long time. And yet, these thoughts keep creeping into my head, thoughts of using my love to make him feel pain.

This cannot be healthy. It just cannot.

Why can't I just let go?

I keep it in and the only one I'm hurting is me. It never even reaches him. It's completely useless because it's the past and I'm the only one keeping it alive. I'm a different person now...

But something inside of me tells me that I'm not as different as I thought I was. I'm not as strong as I thought I was and all the things I swore I wouldn't let happen this time are happening.

Once upon a time, I get this right. I fall in love and I'm not stuck in my fairy tale world in which all the right people are happy and everyone else lives in their shit.

But that's why all stories that start with Once-upon-a-time are fake. It's just a faint hope that won't ever come true.

And it's unhealthy that I keep perpetuating it.