Is it okay that I let enough be enough, if only for a little bit, while I figure all the rest out?

I always said I wouldn't let myself go and just be satisfied doing just barely what I could do, but here I am, eighteen years old, a recent high school dropout and I'm trying to make it okay.

Will it ever be okay? Or will I live with this feeling of shame in the pit of my stomach for the rest of my life? Because that's what's been there for the last few days... this horrible feeling that I've done something wrong that will affect my life forever but it's something that I don't have the strength to change. It's such a hopeless feeling. And it's so exhausting.

I wake up in the morning and I realize that there's only one thing in my life that I feel good about anymore... and he's confused about why I feel so bad about this whole situation. And it's fucking that up. Because no matter what I say, I can't convince him that the fact that I'm depressed doesn't have anything to do with him. And in fact, the only reason I'm still doing as well as I am is because he's around.

But I don't know. Where do I go from here? Kristen, T.T. and me are probably going to all go and get our G.E.D.'s.

I still have to tell Dad what's going on. I don't know how the hell I'm going to do that. Things aren't exactly the greatest between us right now. He's going to blow up at me.

What the hell happened to me? What the hell happened to all my ambition? Where did all of that go?

I think I need to find out who I am again. Because I'm not sure anymore.