I was laying in my bed at five this morning and I started thinking. What the hell am I doing with my life? I haven't seen any of my friend in weeks. I feel like such a fucking loser.

Tonight Fatty went to a concert. All of that is well and good, except it does nothing but serve as a reminder of how lame I really am. I'm here, at 10:30 on a Saturday night, completely alone, because my boyfriend is out. Not only is he my best friend, he's quickly becoming my only friend.

Seriously, I found more stuff to do on a Saturday night when I was 15. Now that I'm 18 and should actually be out enjoying my life, I'm home alone. And fuck am I bored.

Okay, so I was listening to Our Lady Peace today and they're a depressant if there ever was one. But still. This all started last night. It's not the weather and it's not the music. It's me.

Blah. I feel like shit. And I'm doing exactly what I swore I wouldn't do. I've excluded all my friends out of my life because I HAVE to be around my boyfriend 24/7. I mean, fuck, yeah, he's great company, but there comes a point when you've got to include some other people in your life, you know?

Not that I'm saying I would ever want him out of my life. Last night I read Sarah's livejournal (fire_pixie) and she said something about how she hopes that he's the one for me because I need to find the right people who love me. And I smiled, because I'm pretty damn sure he's the right one for me. And if not, then I'm not sure I'd like to meet the "right one" because I don't know if I'd be able to stand someone that perfect. I guess what I'm trying to say is that he's perfect for me right now. And that's all that matters.

Either way, I want to see my friends. And I'm afraid that I may have fucked it up with some of them, mainly Vicki. I need to call her, because I haven't seen her in awhile.

Anyway, enough bitching about that. On to my dad. He called the other day. And I was listening to 4 am by OLP and I wanted to cry. I don't want it to be like that. I don't want it to be an incurable problem. I want to know we'll be okay, just like we always were. But right now, I don't. Because he's doing things I hate in people. And I don't want to be around him. But anyway, he called and said he doesn't want to lecture me and he just wants to see if he can fix whatever problem is between us. I can't bring myself to call him. Part of it is stubbornness, because I'm one of the most stubborn people in the world. But mostly, it's because I just don't want him to see what a loser his daughter has become. Despite the differences we've had, I still feel this inate need to strive to be the best for him. And I'm not that right now. I'm the resident fuck-up in the house. I'm barely working, I sleep all day and stay up all night... I dropped out and just kept falling. And that sounds so cheesy. But I'm keeping it in.

I don't know though. Jesus, I just want to get on with my life. I want to get my GED, I want to get my license, I want to get a car, I want to register at Monroe... I want to do all of that stuff so I can feel like I'm doing something with my life. Then I'll call him. And I'll tell him okay. I'll tell him he doesn't have a failure for a daughter. Because I never wanted that. I never wanted that to be enough. And it never will be.

So what now? I wake up tomorrow in the same bed I was in this morning. But I guess I have to start doing shit differently. People have been telling me that for two months. It just took me feeling like shit about my life for it to sink in.

"Well I know that you've heard it all before, but this time, I've got something to prove." Follow Through by Riddlin' Kids