It's on repeat and I'm happy.

That's the way it's always been. I find my song of the month and listen to it over and over until I'm emotionally numb. Until I can't feel anything.

I'm sick feeling and I can't believe the place that I am right now. But I'm not really depressed, surprisingly. Not happy, but not depressed.

"I miss your purple hair, I miss the way you taste."

I (sadly) wish that was written about me. I always wished I could say I had a song written about me. And my love did write a song about me, but it's not enough, because I've never heard it.

Tears just washed over my eyes for reasons left unsaid. I've been good so far. I haven't even smoked in almost a day.

But it's too deep. I'm going to get a cigarette. One day I'll kick this ugly habit. I don't even like it. Lately, the smell has been making me physically sick. Of course, so has the smell of eggs. And various other foods. My stomach is not in good territory right now.

"I know you're out there, somewhere out there."

The music is floating through the house, filling voids I could never fill on my own.

I hate to say it, because it's not true, but I feel alone in this. I feel like there's no way anyone could ever understand how I feel. Even though he's right there next to me, in as deep as I am. I still feel like I'm deeper.

It's unexplainable and unavoidable. It's always there, this unrelenting pounding in my head, in my stomach, that won't go away until long after the fact. I'm scared and tired and upset, but I suppose that's normal.

It was never supposed to be this hard. Never.

"You're falling back to me..."

I wish I could be falling back to normal.

I wish I could be anywhere but the place I'm in right now.

I just wish I could talk to someone about this. Someone who isn't as emotionally involved as I am. I wish I could talk to someone about the stuff I just saw, the things that almost made me cry. The things that I'm crying over now.

I wish I could just forget.

I wish I had the type of brain that would let me wash over this without a second thought.

But I don't. And this will be with me for a long time.

It just was never supposed to be this hard. Never.