You know, in 27 days, I'm going to have to change my diary layout. That's because I'll no longer be the devil in an 18-year old's body. This is not because I'm about to give up my evil ways and become a born-again Christian. It's because I'm no longer going to be 18.

So all you people freaking out that you'll have to stop worshipping me can simmer down. Continue the rituals. The devil ain't going anywhere.

I don't know. I think it's time to reflect upon the year. In many ways, this year was my undoing. But in other ways, it was my un-undoing. I fucked up everything I thought I wanted and now I have a life I never dared to want.

If you would've told me a year ago that I would be here, I'd have told you that you were insane. Of course, I never thought I'd get peed on by a puppy, but that changed this morning too, so it just goes to show that you never can tell.

As winter makes it's way in and I get more depressed, I think it takes it's toll on my sanity. Or maybe I just make myself sound weird to block out all my insecurities. I don't know. But these days, I feel very alone. I realize that much of this is self-imposed, but the fact of the matter is, everyone has a breaking point. And as of right now, I'm scrambling to get my friends back, because if there's one thing in the world I don't like, it's being alone. I mean, yeah, everyone needs time by themselves, but it gets ridiculous when you only see one other person most days and you live with him. I'd hate to see it if I lived on my own. I'd go crazy right damn quick.

My mood is down and I'm trying so hard to get out of this, trying so hard not to make past mistakes, trying so hard not to fuck up the one good thing I've got going. Because it seems like I've fucked up all my friendships, and I need them back. I only hope they can understand the situation.

I guess I'm just tired. As always. Some things never change and my mood in the winter is one of them. I only hope he doesn't react like certain people in my past have, bailing on my when I needed them the most. And in my heart, I know he won't, but when you've spent most of your life alone, and everyone in your past seems to have fucked you over, any sign of stress in the relationship causes you to think irrational thoughts.

Maybe one day I'll learn that not everyone out there is a prick. Most are, but there are a few good ones. Maybe one day I'll listen to myself. But today is not that day.