I cannot understand the way she feels, the fear that this is forever and everything you thought you were is going to change. I mean, technically, I understand about the change, but I could never, ever grasp what she feels now. She made it further than I ever did. I copped out, took the easy way, and there she is, owning up to her responsibilities.

In my mind, it's always there. I cannot get rid of the feeling, of the constant what if... I don't think I ever will be able to.

It's been almost a year now, and I don't really think I've changed, except to fear the situation that changed me. I take more precautions now, not to end up back there, but faced with the same situation, I cannot say I wouldn't make the same decision that I made then. Even after a year. Even after supposedly changing.

The fear is what rules me, mostly. Of all the changes, that's the only one that was truly permanent. The fear... of becoming what my mother is. Of being middle-aged, regretting... resenting. That's what made me decide. I couldn't face saying those things she said to me. I couldn't do it. I was too afraid... that those words would affect someone else the way that they had me.

So I stand aside, and let others take the position I was so afraid to. Stand aside and look on, because the fear doesn't reach me here. Stand aside, because the affects are less from here.

I can't regrett what they do. So I'm safe, right?