This is crazy. Maybe I'm crazy. I have to write, have to get all of this out of my head. I need to get out of my life.

Vicki called earlier on today. Her and Dan are off and on. I told her to tell him it's either on or off, don't let it get to the point that I did. Which once again leads me back to David.

Damn it! Why am I still thinking about him? Why do I let him twist me around in ways I never wanted to be twisted? I hate this and yet in some sick way, I do nothing about it. My therapist says that it's just my way of getting over my heartache, but no. It's been two fucking months since the whole thing was over.

I'm exhausted, mentally. Physically, I'm numb. I can't cry. I don't want to cry. So I guess it's good that I can't. Why do I have to be me? Why can't I be one of the happy, little, pretty people I see out there?

If I go back, they'll think I'm crazy, I know it. It's like all those times we talked about this shit in psychology. I'm the victim now. And I feel like it. I just don't want people to treat me like I am. I don't want them going out of their way to be nice to me. Because that's not real. Of course this is all bullshit coming from someone who's knocked up on three different drugs just to keep her sane at the moment.

The saddest part is that I feel better since I got put on them, at least the Zoloft. So, without chemical help, I'm too weak to live my life. Do you realize how sad that is? And just knowing that makes me want to... well I'm not sure what it makes me want to do, but it's just so fucking depressing.

I can't go to school. It's not a matter of I don't want to, I literally can't face the people I've known for so many years. I'm so afraid of what they'll think, how'll they'll act, and having to look in their eyes and know all the bullshit they're telling me isn't the same bullshit that they'll say as soon as my back is turned.

WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE REAL? Why is there this fear of people seeing the "real you"? Why do they have to miss me, then ponder if I'm crazy as soon as I'm not looking. I know I scared Vicki and Mel in the mall by having that panic attack. Is that the way it's always going to be? Am I always going to have to turn down my friends whenever they want to do something as normal as hanging out at the mall? God, I hope not.

I'm so scared of myself and my brain right now. Why can't it just work right? Why can't it just be the way it used to? Why do I have to be me today?