I don't know what to say today. I'm terrified. The only thing that keeps running through my head is, "What if...?" It's just not fair. I did everything I was supposed to. And now it's just the waiting game. I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to... and still. What if...? What will I do? How will I explain this disappointment to everyone? How will I deal? I can't even handle myself right now, much less... and Joey. Damn it, I know he can't handle this. It was one fucking weekend. That's all. And now I'm saddled with all this. Why can't I be on the other end? Why can't I be happy and oblivious? Why won't he write back my email? I think maybe if I knew he was at least still thinking about me, I'd be able to deal better. But no. Instead, I'm here, a thousand miles away, dealing with this on my own, feeling like there's no one in my corner.

But I suppose in a way, it's my fault. I got myself into this situation and I'm the one who refuses to tell anyone what's really going on. Lindsey reassured me that I'm probably fine. But it's that "probably" that kills me. Just knowing that there's this remote possibility that something insane is going on inside of me makes ME insane. What if...? What if...?