Yesterday I was driving around with Lindsey and she was playing Blink-182, and Going Away To College came on. It reminded me of Dave. There was a time out there that I really thought we'd still be together when he went away to college. Then he had to go and become Dickface. People suck.

I always see Dave and Savanna walking down the hallway together. It used to crush me. It used to level me and tear me apart inside. Now, I'm just amused. I look at him and think of all the fucking time and energy that I put into being "Dave's Girlfriend" and then all the time and energy I had to put into recovering from that whole situation. All it took to get over it was one weekend with Joey. That and a whole shitload of therapy..

I was thinking about it last night and I realized that I was never really in love with him. I know most people would tell me I'm only saying that because I'm over him, but no. I really think that if I was in love with him I'd be able to still see at least SOME good in who he is, or even who he was. But, now, all I think when I look at him is... WHY? I know now that I really just needed him. And I think I knew that in my heart, I just failed to notify my brain.

And I know he was never in love with me. He can think he was. Or maybe he knows he wasn't. Either way, if you're in love with somebody, you don't treat them the way he treated me. You don't tell them that you don't want to be with them because they're "not fun to be around anymore." I keep listening to Matchbox 20's "Push", thinking that it's the theme song to our relationship. "And I don't know why you couldn't just stay with me, you couldn't stand to be near me, when my face don't seem to want to shine, cause it's a little bit dirty." Will I ever get over that? I don't think so. Either way, I'm upset I let myself get so into all of that. And I'm upset that I let myself be so fake in the relationship just because that's what he wanted me to be.

I'm tired of everyone being so fake all the time. It's like, everyone I know is so fucking concerned with people liking them that they'll sacrifice being themselves to be who they think people want them to be. To thine own self be true. Be what you appear to be. Stop being so fucking fake. It's not fun. Believe me. I did it for years. It's exhausting. And no one seems to get that. I just want to hit them all.

Mike, from Survivor came to our school today. I guess he's friends with Joe Amatto's dad or something. Dude, I was freaking. My obsession with that show is so fucking pathetic. I've got to get over that. But then again, it's just gonna lead to another pathetic obsession. What can I say? I have a classic addict's personality.

So what do I end with today? Comment from the peanut gallery. "What are you so terrified of?" -the man in the corner. Well, until that theory is proven true, it remains to be seen. But probably it's pretty simple to figure out if you just read about it. "Much is left unsaid."

Okay, so now that we all know that I'm crazy, I'm going.

"Try and give me some room to figure out just what I'm going to do." -Rob Thomas.