I've got so much on my mind today, I don't even know how to purge it all out. I keep writing, in hopes that it'll clear my mind, but no. The same old escape tactics I generally use aren't working and I'm racking my brain to come up with new ones.

The good mood I was in earlier has slowly dissolved away as I become more and more concerned with my lack of direction and lack of satisfaction in my life. I almost had a nervous breakdown a few days ago in Pre-Calc because I don't know what to do anymore. It seems like every time I rid myself of one problem, I manage to find myself with a bigger one in its place. It's like unearthing a mountain after digging up a mole hill.

Ever since I was eight years old, I've been pigeon-holed into the level-headed, straightforward stereotype that I built myself up to be. And I'm not that anymore, because I don't want to do what I've always wanted to do. I feel like I have a billion expectations that I know I can't live up to and it's putting so much stress on me. I'm the normal kid I've always wanted to be, frivilous and directionless, yet I don't want to be that anymore.

Being in Florida fucked me up. Conversing with true adults who basically know what they want to do with their lives and are semi-mature about it really made me realize how limited my life experience is. Suddenly, I look at the kids I know and I can't believe how sure they are that high school is going to be their lives forever. They're completely sure that this is the way it's always going to be. But it's not. I'm not going to wake up two years from now and be where I am now. And that just recently set in. It's all over after next year. Next year is it. That's how long I have to decide what I'm going to do and get prepared to do it. And it's not long enough. So suddenly, there's a thousand options I have to consider because I'm not who I was.

I don't want to be a journalist anymore. Hell, I don't even know if I want to be a writer anymore. It's gotten to the point that I can't even see myself doing this, other than as a hobby, at all. And from someone who has always know what I wanted to do, that's earth shattering. I feel lost, like I have no place in the world because suddenly, I don't know who I am. I feel like I'm capable of doing things I never thought I could do and I'm completely incapable of doing things I'd always planned to. That's a scary feeling. But at the same time, it's unbelievably liberating.

I don't know who I am. I don't know what I'm capable of and what I'm not. And these are things I always thought I knew. But I don't anymore. Because I'm changing. And I hate it. I want to be who I was, but at the same time, I don't because I wasn't happy with that. I wasn't even mentally stable. But at least I knew what I was going to do with my life. Now, it seems like I've traded my future plans for mental stability. It's like making a deal with the Devil. I just can't win.

And I look around and it seems like all these people are incapable of understanding why I'm so upset about this. They've been unsure of their future their whole lives. But I haven't. So this lost feeling is completely new to me. In addition to all the stresses I have with going back to school and all my other problems, I suddenly have lost all sight of who I thought I was. No, that's wrong. I haven't lost sight of it. It's just that I know that that's not who I am anymore. I know that if I continue to play that part, I'll end up being the hypocritical, fake person I hate everyone else for being.

Suddenly, after almost ten years of being completely sure of my future, I don't even know if I have a future at all. Everyone is talking about going to college, and I know that I'm not ready for it. So I go to Florida to visit my brother on the Navy base and suddenly this whole idea of joining the millitary seems a whole lot brighter. Damn it! Why does this have to happen at this point in my life? Why do I suddenly have to become this new person? Oh, hell, I suppose I'm more happy with who I am now, but still. This shaky ground I'm standing on is tearing me apart.

I'm more sure of myself in so many areas of my life. I'm more happy with myself than I think I've ever been. This week, I've been happier than I can remember being for a long time. But all my plans about the future are collapsing around me. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't do it anymore. The journalism career stops at high school.

Okay, so I think I have to look at it this way. At least now I know. And as G.I. Joe was always fond of saying... "Knowing is half the battle." The problem now it, what the hell is the other half and how do I get through that?