Silence that occurs.
written on 2001-05-28 at 5:14 a.m.

Mom's internet ex-boyfriend called her today. He apologized for dropping her without explaination three months ago. He told her he was sorry. He groveled at her feet (as much as you can do so over the phone). And she told him they could remain friends.

It will become more. I've known my mother for 17 years. It will become what it was.

She said she told him they could still be friends. Then I asked her if she agreed to anything more. She said, "No. I told him we could be friends." Then, three minutes later, she was talking about how, if, in a year or so, he wanted it to be something more, she'd want that, but she's "not hoping". Yeah. And I'm "not hoping" my ex comes crawling back just so I can set him aflame and dance on the ashes. Conviction may be fashionable, but actions show the real character of a person. And for as long as I've been around, my mother is all conviction and no action.

I don't know what to say anymore. She keeps running in the same circles, jumping through the same hoops, and then she gets angry when people take advantage of her. Look for the signs, then take another route. Don't keep walking down the same fork in the road if it's only gonna lead you to where you hate.

I'm going to write a little poem I wrote a long time ago right here:

SILENCE

Why does being in love scare me?

Why does it all seem so unlikely?

How many times do I have to be proven right,

Until I'm proven wrong?

How long will I go on singing the same old

Indignant song?

I let my guard down and it always ends the same way.

I'm lost again when you walk away.

Awhile ago I begged myself to trust only me.

You walked up and I forgot my silent plea.

You held my hand and smiled your death's head smile.

I took it all in and hoped to hold it for awhile.

How many times will you smile until I realize it's the end of me?

How long will I let you devour until there's nothing left to eat?

I wish I was afraid of you,

I wish I could speak my mind.

But as soon as you smile,

There's only silence.

I wrote that about the way I thought I felt about love, but really, I'd never felt love before, so I didn't know. So I read it, and I realized that my mom is kind of the subject of that. She keeps coming back, for more and more, never learning a lesson, never sticking up for herself, because she is so afraid of being alone. She's never really been alone, except for the few years after my dad left. And she doesn't want to be so badly, that she'll set herself up in situations that are unhealthy, just so she can have someone.

I'd like to say I'm better than that. But based on my performance with Dave, seeing as I took shit from him, got knocked on my ass emotionally for two months and still wanted to be with him, I know I'm not. So, now, it is my poem. It is about me. Self-fulfilled prophecy at it's finest.