I came home from work and wrote what is below this. But first, I'll set up the premise.

Yesterday, Dave came into work. He didn't say much and I thought that was that. But it wasn't. Today, he came back on his lunch break and we talked for about a half hour. He said he missed hanging out with me and that he'd been thinking about me a lot lately. He was like, "Yeah, like, A LOT." And he asked if he could come over and hang out tonight. I can't say no to anybody, and the morbidly curious part of my mind was egging me on, so I said yes. And that's where this comes in.

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How come the day after I finally realize I'm over him, he waltzes back into my life?

How come just when I think I'm strong, he makes me feel weak?

How come after all this time, his timing is so bad?

How come I forgot the way I felt about him? Him, not the situation, not the break-up, not the bad things he made me feel, but David Johnson. The guy I fell so hard for so fast a year ago. The guy who went to see Blink with me and had his arms around my waist the whole show. The guy who planned a special night and forced me to buy $40 underwear from Victoria's Secret for our 5 month anniversary. The guy who was my first EVERYTHING.

How come I forgot the way we got along? I forgot about the jokes, and the hand holding, and putting up the armrest at the movies so we could cuddle. I forgot about all the good and concentrated on the bad. It was my defense mechanism, I think. If I'd have thought about all the good, I would've collapsed even more than I did. Besides, the bad happened after the good, so it was fresh in my mind. I don't know. I'm so confused right now.

No one can understand how big a deal this is. No one knows how much I've been struggling with this, up until last month. No one understands the depths that this got to. No one but Vicki, and she's at work so I can't talk to her.

I cried a few minutes ago over this. Not because I'm still sad about it, but because this brings me too close to the lowest I've ever gotten. It's reminding me of all these horrible feelings, the inadequacy, the loss, the lonliness, the longing... like I said, it was the lowest I've ever gotten. And I think that until the day I die, I'll still never be able to explain why. It really wasn't all that great of a relationship. We fought, I was jealous, we were mean to each other... but then again, he was my first EVERYTHING. I didn't know anything else.

In my mind, I turned him into some kind of a monster. An evil, cold, heartless, back-stabbing, betraying monster. But he's just Dave. And I'm willing to see if we can be friends again.

Because for every part of me that is dreading this, an equal part is happy that we'll be hanging out tonight. I don't know. Maybe I'm insane, but there WAS a reason we were together for as long as we were. We got along. Good, for awhile there.

I don't know if I'll be able to do it though. Start hanging out with him again, I mean. I just don't know. I think it'll be hard to separate the monster I've created in my mind from the guy coming over tonight. And maybe it'll be hard to separate the monster I was in his mind from the girl he's coming to hang out with.

I don't know. What a surprise.

"How did you get so deep inside of me?" Break-up Song by The Bouncing Souls