Life had become barable. Even, dare I say, good. I was happy and complacent with the way things were going. Then, the earthquake came.

That's what he feels like to me, an earthquake. The only person in the world capable of making me feel this way. This confused and angry and sad and unsure of all the things I used to be sure about.

He came last night and we talked about some things. But when I'd envisioned his visit, it accomplished a lot more than it really did. Right now I only know one thing for sure. I have to talk to him again, because the only way I'm ever going to get over this is to get answers to all the questions that have been echoing in my head for the last six months. But I think first I have to remember what the questions are asking.

But then there's her. She's very jealous and I don't want to be the cause of that. I don't want to be the one she hates. I'm sure I already am, but I just want this to be an irrational hate, if that makes any sense. I don't want to give her due cause to hate me.

All of this keeps running through my head. And I don't want her to be mad. I don't want that. But at the same time, I know that the only way I'm going to be able to deal with this is to talk to him about it. But also he sat there last night, talking about how bad they've been fighting lately, and how she's jealous and crazy. And then he actually asked me what I thought he should do. What did he want me to say? Did he want me to tell him to break up with her? Then I'd be the cause. Did he want me to tell him to stay with her? Then I'd be lying. So I told him that it doesn't seem like he's happy with her, but obviously there's got to be something about her making him happy or else he wouldn't be with her. For the third time. After she cheated on him.

Why do I have to be the enabler? Why does he need me to give him advice? He said he missed hanging out with me, but then he sat there and said he hated hurting her by hanging out with me.

THIS IS WHAT I THINK: She's insane. He's weak. He finally realized, after this rocky relationship with her, how good we had it. I'm crazy. And I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I used to be.

The one thing he said that I wholeheartedly agreed with was that when we were together at the end, I needed to find out who I was and I could never do that while I was with him. That's true. I didn't know who I was. I didn't know what being me meant without him. And I needed to find that out.

Now that I have, he's come back and I'm different.

In the past six months, I've become independent and I've found out who I am. Life is easier when you know who you are.

But it's not easier when your ex-boyfriend comes back into your life.