I'm feeling very creative. I designed the next three tattoos I'm getting. But first I'm getting the lip ring.

The problem with tattoos is that they cost money. If they were free, I don't think I'd have any empty skin left.

I miss him. He came into my life and then went away for four days. And I don't want to miss him. I want to be perfectly okay. But you can't control the way you feel. If you could I'd always be happy.

I don't want to miss him. I keep telling myself that he has a girlfriend and that I shouldn't be thinking the things I am. And I keep hearing Vicki telling me she'd kill me if we ever get back together. But then a fleeting thought passes through my mind and I remember a smell, or a moment, or a sight, that made me fall in love with him. And I remember that I haven't got along that well with a guy in forever.

And then I remember he has a girlfriend. One he's trying to work it out with. He said she makes it so hard sometimes though. And I just think that I would never make it hard. And then I'm back again.

And then I remember he has a girlfriend, and I feel guilty and stupid and I try to remember the way I hated him for six months. The pain and the lonliness and all of the times I hated myself and the person inside of my body. I try to remember the shattered self-image.

And then I hear him saying that I'm a "good girl" and that someday I'll find an amazing guy and we'll be so happy together. And I want to tell him that I don't want to wait until someday, I want it to be the same as it was when we were happy.

And then I remember he has a girlfriend. And I remember the saying, "Things could be the same if everything were different," from that Cary Grant movie. But then I think that things ARE different. I'm different and he's different and everything is different and things could be the same. We could be the same.

And then I remember he has a girlfriend. And I don't know if he wants things to be the same. But then I think about how he told me he missed me a lot and missed hanging out with me. And I remember him telling me he always thought we'd get back together, even after I stopped believing. Even after he was with her. He still thought we'd get back together. And I remember how he once thought we'd be together forever. Thought it even when I was the bad version of me. And I think that if he could've thought that when I was the worst me, what could he be thinking now, when I'm the best me?

And then I remember he has a girlfriend. And how upset he was that he hurt her by coming to see me. And how he'd do anything to avoid hurting her the way he hurt me. The way he's so sorry for hurting me. And I think of him saying he wished it hadn't ended that way, and how he thought we'd never break up when we were together.

And then I remember...

I know only two things about this situation. First, I'm very confused. Second, I need to stop thinking so much.