This one's for Gretchen.
I was sitting around today and I decided that time has come for me to leave my legacy. Betty Ford had her clinic, and I will have my support group. After much thought and deliberation, I have realized that the time to hesitate is through. Thank you, Jim Morrison.
So, come one, come all, to the circus of freaks that is the First Annual Ex-Boyfriends Anonymous Meeting for the heartbroken. I will be your ever-present ring leader, watch me crack the whip. *crack*
I will now read over pamphlets you were handed at the door. Ahem.
Welcome to the First Annual Ex-Boyfriends Anonymous Meeting for the heartbroken. If you are here, it's good that you have admitted you have a problem. Due to recent scientific research, we are now able to recognize the symptoms of this dreadful disease. You may have an ex-boyfriend if:
*You have spent much of the past year being confused and angry.
*You have previously sworn off love, only to retract your statement when you are feeling better.
*Your friends and family all know exactly who you speak of when you utter the word, "Dickface."
*You have spent significant amounts of time listening to the soulful crooning of pop acts as they sing about past loves.
*You relate to a lot of what emo bands sing about.
*You avoid going places because "HE might be there!"
*You have recently had a fire, burning all momentos which remind you of the person in question.
*When you call your friends crying, they immediately ask, "What did he do now?"
*You run into the bathroom at work if one of his friends comes in, just so you won't have to be reminded of him.
If you have three or more of the aforementioned symptoms, you just may have an ex-boyfriend problem. The first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. No one can tell you that you have a problem. You must find this out yourself.
But, considering you are all here, you have come to this point. Congratulations. Let the healing begin.
It will not be easy. There will be many tear-streaked pillows in the future. But with the right support (namely, US!), you can make it.
If you have made it to this point, you have probably already gone through the five stages of grieving. "Five stages of grieving? What are they?" you say. I'll recap.
The first stage is DENIAL. This is usually seen as the victim denies a break-up has taken place. "No, we're just fighting. We'll get back together." Don't cry, my dear. We've all been there.
The second stage is ANGER. We all know this as the violent stage. Many have been seen screaming out obcenities on the freeway overpass, while they throw out all the possessions their previous significant other may have left at their residence.
The third stage is BARGAINING. Generally seen in the promises to be "a better person". For musical instances, see the song, "Ain't Too Proud To Beg" as sung by the Temptations.
The fourth stage is DEPRESSION. This is the most highly publicized stage. Categorized by the victim sitting alone, tissue in hand, slowly going over whatever memories they have left, seeing as they threw most of them off the freeway overpass during their ANGER stage.
The last and most heralded stage is ACCEPTANCE. You are single. You can finally date the hot guy at Gadzooks. You can flirt with people at work and not worry about being unfaithful. You can move on with your life... until he comes crawling back, that is.
The worst point you will reach is if he decides he wants to come back into your life. You will have convinced yourself that your are alright by this point, only to be thrown back on your ass in a matter of minutes. But you will make it through. You will probably go through exaggerated forms of the stages very quickly, but it will soon pass. In other words, you'll freak out for a few days, and then you'll be okay.
Well, seeing as my time is up, I'll end with this. You are not alone. This group is for support and that is what we'll do. Never underestimate the power of angry girls in large groups...
See you same time next week.