Sarah wrote me an email. Yes, the same Sarah who used to be my best friend. The same Sarah who I swore off forever at the end of ninth grade. The same Sarah who I got into countless fights over with Dave. I haven't talked to her in forever. We had a class together, but we never really talked in it. And now she writes me an email.

The purpose of this email is, for all intents and purposes relating to this entry, moot. But she did add in at the end that her and Megan have tentative plans to get together tomorrow and asked if I'd like to go.

I don't know why this is happening at this time in my life. I don't know why all my weak spots, all the people who left me crumbled, have decided to waltz back into my life at the same time. Is it something about the summer that makes you want to reconnect with old friends? And why do they assume that I'll just have an open spot for them to waltz into?

The worst part is that I do have an open spot. I have endless open spots because I don't know how to reject people. I can't tell them, "No, I don't like you, get the hell out of my life." I don't work like that.

So instead, my ex-best friend wants to talk about my ex-boyfriend, who is hiding his friendship with me from his girlfriend, who he left me for.

Yes, the biggest crumbler of all called me today. He called and we talked for a little bit. Then she called him on the other line and he put me on hold for about five minutes. Do you realize how long five minutes is to be sitting there, listening to nothing? But then he got back on my line and we talked for a little bit. He asked if he could call me later on tonight, like at midnight. I should've told him no. I should've told him that I deserve to have a legitimate place in his life. I should've told him that he either tells her that he wants to hang out with me or else we're not going to be friends. I should've but I didn't. It's the story of my life.

I just don't understand why he puts up with shit like that. It's not like we have any plans to get back together. Even if he wanted to, I'm smart enough and I know myself well enough to realize that it's not healthy and it's not what I need in my life. So she doesn't need to worry about him leaving her for me. If he left her at all, it'd be because she's a jealous bitch who obviously doesn't trust him. But I don't have much room to talk, because I was the same way when he'd hang out with Sarah.

But the point is, I let him hang out with Sarah. He says he doesn't want to hurt her by hanging out with me, but what he doesn't understand is that he's hurting me by not hanging out with me. It's basically like him saying, "Rachel, you're not important enough in my life for me to include you in anything other than phone calls." And if that's the case, fuck off then!

I hung out with Megan Bailey yesterday. She is so cute when it comes to Spencer. She was talking about him and I asked her how it was going and she said, "Oh yeah. I know he's the guy I'm going to marry." And she said it so matter-of-factly, like that was the only logical thing to do. They're like that couple that you should be jealous about, but they're so perfect that you can't be.

I found myself thinking that one of these days, Dave's prophecy will come true. I will meet an awesome guy who likes Rancid and we'll be happy and I'll "make him all cool" and that will be that. But I also found myself thinking that I don't need to have that guy right now (in fact I wouldn't be ready for him if I did find him now), but I wouldn't mind having someone, you know?

I don't know. I guess I'm just lonely. And impatient. But at least I'm not stuck in an unhappy relationship with a jealous bitch, just because I "don't want to hurt" them. Not that I know anybody like that or anything... ;)