No, no, no, no, no, no! This is what's running through my mind at the moment.

I'm working up the courage to tell him I want a legitimate space in his life. I don't want to be his dirty little secret. I don't want to spend the next year talking to him on the phone at midnight. But he told me that he's usually busy during the day so he can't talk so I should just page him at night.

Fuck that. I don't deserve this. I'm an honest, decent, sensitive human being and I deserve to be treated so. We aren't fucking, he's not cheating on her with me, so why should I be his back alley best friend?

I'm sorry if she's jealous. There's no need to be. NOTHING is going to happen. And I'm sorry he's so whipped that he can't stand up to her. But this is it.

I'm paging him tomorrow and I'm gonna be straight with him. Either you act like I'm a friend of yours and not something you should be ashamed of, or else this is it. I will not be treated this way. I will not be his second-string anymore.

I'm this confident right now, but I won't be tomorrow. The chewing out my stomach feeling will return and I'll be nervous. But I'm not keeping this inside me anymore. If I've learned anything throughout my relationship with him, friend or otherwise, it's that keeping shit in only leads to trouble.

Either fess up to her, or I'm gone.

And it's shit like this that makes me realize I'm stronger. Six months ago, I wouldn't have had any problem being in the background, as long as I was in there at all. But I know now that I'm a pretty, smart, funny, fun, amazing person and I deserve friends who will be proud to be with me. And that's the best lesson of all.

"Sometimes it takes a painful loss to realize you are free." Break-up Song by The Bouncing Souls