One of the people that comes into Stanley's all the time killed himself last week. He hung himself in his garage and when they found him, his fingers were worn raw from trying to claw his way back up. He did it and then changed his mind. He didn't want to die anymore.

Every time I forget about this, his face comes flashing back into my mind. And I felt guilty at work today whenever we were laughing or talking about something as frivolous as my sister's hair. I kept thinking that it wasn't right that we were laughing, because his family doesn't get to laugh today, on the day that they buried him. He doesn't get to laugh today or ever again. So why should we be able to?

I've been lucky. In the 17+ years I've been alive, no one close to me has ever died. When I was in 8th grade, my great-grandmother died, but she was the type of family member that you only see on holidays, if that.

I think that if anyone close to me ever died, I wouldn't deal with it too well, just judging on the way I felt about a guy who came into Stanley's every now and then.

The weather today was perfectly matching my mood. Any other kind of whether would be unjustified, somehow. It was dark and gray and rained periodically throughout the day.

I dropped a keg in the parking lot and it rolled over and hit someone's car. I had to stock 20 or so boxes of overpriced shit onto dusty shelves. I had to carry bags of nasty, sticky bottles and cans out to the Pepsi truck. I had to re-mop the spot where Robert the Pepsi guy dropped a two-liter. Some guy came in and basically told me my hair looked horrible. He asked me why I did it and said I shouldn't have because I was a "pretty girl".

It wasn't the best of days, in case you couldn't tell.

Then I got home and went to sleep. I had a bad dream in which I missed the Warped Tour because my brother forgot to set the clocks back. It didn't make much sense because we were four and a half hours late even if he had set the clocks back. But I ended up missing the whole thing.

I've got a lot on my mind and I'm still tired. I've also got to go back to work tomorrow.

My mind is just plain weary.