Last night, I talked to Courtney's friend Jared for almost four hours on AIM. He's very sad right now. Over her. And that made me sad.

It was like looking into a mirror at me eight months ago. All these things I had said were being typed in front of me. And I didn't know how to fix it.

I now know why Vicki doesn't bring her problems to me. I know how to fix them, but it's never the easy way out. It gets the job done, but not without pain. He should let Courtney be. But he loves her and nothing I say will convince him of that.

I feel very young and helpless today. But would it be better if I felt old? No. I just want to be me, whoever that is.

I shouldn't let this get me down. But I look at his situation and I just want to tell him that it will get better. But I wouldn't have listened to that. I didn't listen to that when a thousand people were screaming it in my face and all I wanted to do was sit in my room.

Then I talked to my dad and he's not doing too well either. We were talking about how this heat is affecting his garden and I asked if he's watering it a lot and he said he didn't really water it at all anymore. "I just haven't felt like it," he said. "You know what that's like."

Yes. I do. I know what it's like when nothing you used to care about matters anymore. When nothing seems worth it. When school doesn't matter, work doesn't matter, friends don't matter, family doesn't matter... because all that matters is that you don't feel good enough to do anything.

And it's not even like I wanted to be indifferent. It just didn't seem worth it, because the only thing I wanted was to feel normal again and doing those things didn't get me any closer to that point.

It's humid, it's hot, and I'm down today.