I'm afraid. I'm afraid to get involved with Jason. And I know why and I'm even more afraid to admit it.

First of all, I'm terrified that I'll get in too deep. I'm afraid to fall in love again and have it end and then I'll be back where I was. Maybe I'm afraid he won't feel the same. The same as what? The same as I might feel if I let myself open up to him?

How's that for getting ahead of myself?

But that's not the real reason I'm afraid. I guess I'm just afraid because I don't know if I'm making the right decision. And that sounds weird, because I'm beating around the bush and trying my best to dodge the real subject. Which in this case is Jared.

I like Jared. A lot. And there's so many complications there that I'm sure I don't even know them all. But there's the whole thing that he's my friend. And not just any friend. He's not a friend like Cory's my friend. He's my friend like Vicki's my friend. Or like Megan Bailey's my friend. And I don't know what... oh hell, I just don't know.

Another complication is that I don't know how he feels about me. I don't want to make him uncomfortable. I don't want to put him in that position. I don't want him to feel as if he has an obligation to feel a certain way about me just because we're friends.

And a third complication is that I don't know how to tell him, even if I could get over all those hurdles. How do you tell your friend you have feelings for him without it fucking things up? Especially when you agreed to go out with two different guys in the past week?

But I want to tell him. I so want to tell him. I want him to know so bad that it feels like it's bursting forth in my chest.

At the same time that I'm feeling all of this, I get excited everytime the phone rings because I think it could be Jason. I don't know why that excites me, if I'm so afraid to be involved with him, and if I feel all these things for another person.

My brain is muddled and my sleep is suffering because of it. I'm dead tired and I should be asleep. But every time I close my eyes, I get this crazy picture in my head. Jared standing in front, in his baseball hat, looking down. Jason's standing behind him, standing up and looking right at me. And Matt's in the back, jumping around, trying to get attention and failing miserably.

I just need to stop thinking for a few weeks. I liked it a hell of a lot better when I was just hanging out with my friends. I slept better, anyway.

It's funny, because I used to get pissed off when people would complain about problems like this. I'd be like, "Yeah, well at least you've got someone." But when your heart's tearing you in two different directions and the one you know is right is the one that could hurt the most people, it doesn't seem so simple anymore.