And a million questions are flying through my head and I can only hope that a few people never find this. Or that the things discussed in here never affect them.

Joe said things have changed with my sister. He told her things are "awkward" with them now. It's not anything she's done, since nothing has changed with her, but it's the same thing that Laura told him. I hope he realizes the irony of this.

Anyway, I wrote this earlier and it kind of explains what I'm feeling now.

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Well, what do I do with this? I know at least some of what he's feeling (the "awkwardness") is because of what I told him. The question is, how much of it depended on my drunken emotional ramblings? Blech. I feel like shit and I'm stuck in the mud.

Do I tell her? Do I talk to him? It's like, okay. Say I don't tell her. Then what happens if he does? Not only do I get screwed for what I'm feeling, but I also get screwed over for keeping it from her, almost lying to her. But then say I do tell her. And he had no intention on telling her whatsoever. Then the cat's out of the bag for no reason.

He said he wouldn't break up with her. He said he still liked her. I need to talk to him, tell him that even if he does break up with her, things won't change between us. At least not in the way he wants them to. It'll just become very awkward and uncomfortable between us.

Damn it, how come every time I tell a guy I like him, it blows up in my face. Either he doesn't call me, or he says he isn't attracted to me "like that", or he's my sister's boyfriend and I shouldn't have said anything in the first place.

God, please give him the common sense not to say anything. Please. I know my sister and I know how much this will hurt her. God, please give him the common sense to realize how great a girl she is and how fucked up I am.

I suck. She's awesome. I'll be moving on to college in a few months. Fuck me. Megan's the better catch anyday.

Don't tell her, please. She doesn't need this on her shoulder's. Please. I'm being very selfish on this one. I don't want some stupid drunken mistake on my part to ruin all this shit she's got going for her. I don't want to be the one who fucked that up. Her and Joe are great together. That's it. Period.

Either way, maybe all of this shit is in vain. Maybe stuff changed between them on its own. Maybe I had nothing to do with this. Hopefully, I didn't.

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God, what did I do? Why did I ever say anything? Talk about your all-time mistakes. Alcohol is a fucking truth serum and unfortunately, this time, the truth shouldn't have been told.

I don't want my sister hurt. No matter what problems we've had in the past, no matter what petty shit we've fought over, she's still family and that never goes away.

I'm sorry. I just wish sorry was powerful enough to fix this.