When I dropped out of school, I never thought that my biggest problem would be bordem. But it is. It's not that my future is in jeopardy. It's not that I feel as if I'm lacking control of my life. It's none of the normal things you'd think of. It's just the fact that I've have nothing to do, nothing to challenge me.

I went to Hot Topic the other day to get a job application. I hope I can get it. I would love working there, even if it would mean working in the mall every day. I just need something to keep my mind busy, so I don't keep thinking about what a goddamned failure I feel like.

I don't know though. Paul wrote me an email the other day, acting as if he were the wisest person in the world and he seemed to think he knew all the answers to my problems. Then he tried to go back and fix it by saying something like, "But you know what's best for you." Whatever, Paul.

I'm feeling all introverted and thoughtful today. Damn Rob Santello. See, he's started writing on the Bouncing Souls website. And since I loved his book so much, I'm obsessed with reading what he writes in his every day life. The only problem is, whenever I read anything Rob Santello writes, I feel jaded and discontent about the state of humanity in general society today, as seen in this entry. The man's a genious writer, but it's not the stuff you'd want to read if you were pissed off, that's all I'm saying.

Anyway, life continues at its snail's pace. I wake up, spend an inordinate amount of time in front of my TV watching TLC's "A Wedding Story" or "A Dating Story" (both excellent pieces of television magic), then I get up and eat dinner and wait for Fatty to come over. And then maybe we go out, but that's even becoming less and less because in this sick cycle world I've created for myself, I want to go out less, which makes me more introverted and depressed, which makes me want to go out less, which makes me more... and so on. Until I never leave my room.

Depressed. Yes, I said it. Depression strikes the mind of Rachel once more. It's not really a surprise anymore. I was just kind of waiting for it to happen. And now it has. Blah.

I don't even really listen to music anymore, if you can believe that. I don't know. Maybe that's something that needs to change. Maybe I need to strap a pair of headphones onto my ears and blast "How I Spent My Summer Vacation" until I can't think about anything anymore.

I just wish I could go back in time. I don't want to learn the lesson that life has planned for me. I just want to graduate high school like a normal kid and go to college like a normal kid and live my life like a fucking NORMAL KID!

I haven't even spoken to my father in close to two weeks. He invited me to go to my Grandma Overholt's tomorrow, but I declined. Actually, he told my sister to invite me, because, as I said, I haven't talked to him. I wonder how long this will last. I wonder how stubborn I can be. I wonder if I'm even proving anything with this, or if it's all for naught.

Either way, I'm tired of my life. I'm tired of being me. The only thing I seem to be able to hold together these days is my relationship and that's just because I have the greatest guy in the world at the other end of that one.

Anyway, okay, here's an HTML question. IF ANYONE KNOWS A LOT OF HTML AND COULD HELP, I WOULD HAVE MUCH RESPECT IF YOU COULD ANSWER MY QUESTION. Okay. I changed the layout of my diary. But past like October, the entries are still on the template layout. Why is that? Is there any way to get those entries to go to the layout I made? I appreciate any help anyone can give me. I have a guestbook, or you can email me.

To end it:

"Where does one begin with everything to say, but not knowing how to say it? Alone in my room where do I begin?" -Rob Santello