We went to the 89X Birthday Bash today and it was awesome. The first few bands kinda sucked, as did most of the crowd, but what can you expect from a radio show.

But we stood around and waited for Dashboard Confessional to come on and at last they did and they were more than worth the wait. They were awesome and I will definitely be seeing them again. I was hoping that they'd play "This Brilliant Dance", but I guess they kind of wanted to keep it happy, because they didn't play any of their sad songs. Their time on stage seemed way too short, though.

But after them, Our Lady Peace came on and they opened with two songs off of their new album. Then they went into their older stuff and soon, they started the bass line for "Naveed", which is my all-time favorite song. I swear, I have been known to listen to that song 20 times in a row in a single sitting. I freaked out when they played it, of course, but how many people out there can say they've heard their all-time favorite song played live? The rest of the songs they played were mostly the singles they had and I had a great time until they went off and came back on for the encore. All show long, I kept thinking that if they played "4 a.m." that I would cry because it reminds me of all the shit I'm going through with my dad right now. And what did they come out and play right off the bat? I swear, when they started up the guitar line to that song, I had tears in my eyes, because I couldn't stop thinking about my dad. And Raine Maida didn't sing any of it. He just held the mic out to the crowd and we sang the whole thing.

On the way home I just kept thinking about my dad. And it's like, am I being too stubborn? Is it worth all of this? And the worst part is, I get this stubbornness from my dad. So he's not going to make a move either. I know I've got to be the one. But I've said it before, I just don't want him to think I'm a fucking failure. But I know if too much time passes by, all this shit will get too deep and it'll never get better. God, it seems like forever since I've talked to my dad. But he's changed. And I don't know if I want a part of that. I know I don't want to be without my dad for the rest of my life, but I don't think I recognize the person he's become. I understand that he was (and probably still is) disappointed in me, but there was no need to do and say the things he did. I don't know. Like I said, I don't want to be without my dad, but I don't feel like he's my dad anymore. I just want my dad back. He said to me, "Call me when you've decided that you'd rather have a father than a buddy." But there was a time when he was both. Why can't he find that balance again? Does he feel like it's not enough? He didn't break me. I broke myself. Why can't he just be my dad again, instead of this all-knowing, all-seeing, all-controlling father? He's not the same and I'm sure as hell not the same, but hell, I'd be fine if he was the same. I just want my dad back to the way he was. I just want my dad back.

I think I'm going to call him and wish him a happy Father's Day. It'll be hard, but I think I'm going to do it. I can't let my relationship with him be wasted away to nothing. But I don't want to put myself out only to find out that nothing's changed. Because then he's going to get hurt again. Fuck, I don't know. But I'm going to at least try. I just want my dad back.