I have the worst dreams when I'm at Brian's house and he's not here sleeping with me.

Two nights ago, I had a dream that he was gone somewhere and throughout the whole dream I was on the phone, completely sad because he wasn't with me. And I had another dream that his grandma got really sick and we had to call an ambulance and take her to the hospital.

Then,last night, I dreamt that we had a party and his ex-girlfriend showed up. For some reason, I was doing laundry, and she was the life of the party. He was talking to her and hanging out with her the whole time. Then, I didn't feel well, so I went to lay down and he didn't even bother to come see me. And then I went back to get my laundry, and she was sick and he was taking care of her.

I woke up and I felt so sad. It was like it had really happened. I just wanted him here, so he could tell me that it was all just a dream.

The weird thing was, his ex-girlfriend looked like this crackwhore girl I saw one day in the doctor's office. Seriously, I think this girl really was a prostitute and I know she was on some kind of drugs. But she looked nothing like his ex-girlfriend.

I'm the one full of insecurities this time. It's like, now it's for real. Now it's the do-or-die time. We're about to hit the 7-month mark, and we all know what happened last time I did that. Well, maybe not, but it wasn't good.

I can't help but compare our relationship to my last one. And it sucks for Brian, because my last one... well, it sucked. At least at the end. I just want this to work so badly, and we got into that fight the other day and he made it sound like he was having doubts and that's never happened before. And then things are finally getting real between us and it's not just that pure physical thing. It's to the point that if one of us got into a car accident and was horribly disfigured, we'd still stay together, because we love each other and at this point, looks don't matter so much anymore. And that's a great point to be at. The Horribly-Disfigured-In-A-Car-Accident-PointI mean, hell, it's great that he's hot, but it wouldn't matter if he wasn't.

I just get worried sometimes. I have the best thing in the world. What's the worst thing in the world that could happen? I could lose it. And I've spent a good portion of the past couple of days thinking about that. And it's fucking me up. Because he's noticed that something's wrong. And I don't want to tell him that it's because I'm afraid that he'll leave me.

And it's not even that I don't trust him. Because I do. More than anyone. It's the other people I don't trust. It's your own emotions that I don't trust. Like say he finds someone he likes better. And they talk and whatever for awhile. And they decide that they're in love. Jesus, when you're in love, you'll do some crazy things. And while I trust him right now, if he falls in love with someone, that can't be helped, and that changed a person.

Jesus, I just can't get this nagging thought that I'm just not good enough out of my mind. It just keeps repeating itself, reminding me that I'm probably missing something that he so desperately needs. And that he'll deal with needing it for as long as he can until he can't deal anymore, and then he'll go find someone who does have that something he so desperately needs.

And it doesn't help that I keep finding stuff from his past that bothers me. Like today, I was looking for his Spider Man VCD in his dresser drawer and I found a letter someone wrote him. And I know that I shouldn't fucking read this stuff. I know because it's invading his privacy and because it's a shitty thing to do and more specifically because it stands to reason that if it was something bad, it would just make me feel shitty and then it would just be bad.

But I read it anyway, because that's that way I am, and it was from some girl talking about kissing him and hugging him and whatnot. And it said that she did want to live with him. Like she was trying to convince him that she really did and he didn't believe her. And that was like the knife in the heart. Because he's been telling me that I'm the only one he's ever wanted to live with.

And god, I feel like an ass having read it. I really do. But now there's like this part of his life that I think is a secret and I feel like he's kept that from me. Because he knows pretty much every guy I've ever had even a crush on and definitely every guy I've ever dated, so I don't keep anything from him.

Except shit like this. I want to cry and yet I act normal in front of him. Why is this? I just don't want to seem like an ass for looking at all his shit. I don't want him to think that he can't have any privacy around me. Because he's supposed to trust me.

I feel horrible because I saw it, I feel horrible because it's there, and I feel horrible because I don't want to tell him about it. And I don't think I will. Because he'll just tell me that it was in the past, blah, blah, blah, and you can see how well that does to quench my insecurities.

I just feel like crap today. I need one big hug. And some chocolate. And I need to wait until he goes back to work for lunch and cry.

Maybe on that last one. Maybe I won't let myself cry.