I was hoping you'd be online. So I could talk to you, to someone I don't really know anymore, to someone who would give me an honest opinion of the situation, with no bias whatsoever.

I feel as if I'm being dumb and I know that if I saw this situation on the outside, I'd want to slap myself. Knowing that, I still can't help but feel these things. I hate them, I want to squash them out inside of me, but I can't. If you could control what you felt, I'd have done it a long time ago. I just wish I knew why I felt this way. By all logical thinking, my feelings should be very sympathetic, especially from the way I always thought I was.

But I can't. And I don't know why I can't. In my head, I know that this is a terrible thing that's happened and that it's very sad, and very worth crying over. But I can't stop these horrible thoughts from going on in my brain, this horrible voice screeching, "Why is he crying over her? Why does he still care about her?"

I guess when it comes down to it, my defense mechanism is going off in my brain. Maybe I'm trying to push him away so he can't hurt me. It's the old "hurt before you get hurt" adage. I think that for the rest of my life, I'll have that, I'll always close up, lock myself in, just to minimize the damage, even if it's not certain any damage is on the way. I'll admit it, I'm terrified of being hurt, even by him, this man who I trust with my life and everything that I am. Even with all that, there's still this little voice in the back of my head that keeps reminding me that he could leave me, that he could rip my heart out and devestate my life. That he could take everything from me and leave me with nothing.

I think that no matter what, for the rest of my life, I'll be scared of love.

Nothing has ever left me as scarred and broken as love has. Nothing has ever left me as helpless and gone as love has. Nothing has ever been able to take everything from me. I've never let it.

People say that it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. Actually, I believe that Shakespeare said that. Well, I think it's bullshit. Anyone who has ever locked themselves in their room for months after losing love can tell you that. Anyone who has ever lost half of themselves when the other person decides to leave can tell you that. Anyone who's had their heart broken can tell you that.

I don't know, though. I just wish I could know myself and know why I'm feeling these cold and heartless things. Has it come down to this? Am I that terrified to lose him that when it comes down to it, I'll put myself first in any situation? On some level, I think that that's a good thing. I think that it's good to have the instinct that you do have to come first sometimes, that you've got to look out for your own well being. But on the other hand, it can become ridiculous when you get upset because someone is feeling sad about a situation that very much so demands sadness.

I can't help but feel like this is not a very good time for us. Saturday night I got jealous. Tonight I got jealous to the point that I cried and we fought and he fell asleep on the couch. This is the first time he's ever voluntarily fallen asleep without me. Since day one, if we didn't sleep at the same place, it was either my idea, or else it was because I was in California.

Is it slipping away? I just don't know.

I do know that I'm a very hard person to be with, even just be friends with, because I'm very stubborn and very proud. I could've woken him up tonight. But I didn't want to cave. I hate myself for feeling the way I'm feeling, but I don't want him to know that. I don't want to be the first to give in.

How fucked up is that?

Maybe, one day, I'll be able to live with myself and not constantly hate myself for feeling the way I feel. Today just isn't that day.