Conversations with Tisha spawned over our limited connections are a bad thing. They are also cause to my insomnia. It's hard to sleep when you're trying to keep from crying. I think that from now on, I'll just stick to making fun of her because she thinks differently than I do.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately. What might have been. What the future could've held, had the cards been different. But everything happens for a reason right? I tell myself this to keep from going crazy. I tell myself this to justify the wrongs that I feel I've done.

And everyone tells me that I made the right decision. Everyone but him. He told me that he sometimes wishes I'd done things differently. Fuck it. Don't we all. The truth is, I'm the one that it affected the most. Not to say that it didn't fuck him up some. You just can't say that. But it just wasn't the same in his position. It couldn't be.

God, I wish... I wish I could've been strong enough to do things differently. I wish I could've done things that other people have. I wish... I wish I didn't have to sit up at 4:30 in the morning, thinking about what might have been had I made a different decision.

You can't change the past, no matter how much you wish it. But if you could, I don't know if I would change it. Fuck, it's rough all over. No matter what I decided, it never was going to be the same. And people don't understand it. They think that it was the easy way out... try it.

I want to scream. For the first time since he started telling me that I could wake him up if I was too lonely at night, I'm actually considering doing it. It's like, fuck, I've got to work tomorrow too. And if I'm up like this, he should be too, because no matter what, we're in this together.

I don't know though. Maybe I'll just take some Tylenol P.M. and pass out for awhile.