I realized tonight that I miss a lot of things about my old life. My "pre-relationship" life. I miss hanging out with Vicki and Mel. I miss going to shows. I even kind of miss getting drunk and hanging all over guys that i don't really know. Now there are only two guys I can hang over. One is my boyfriend and the other one is obviously gay.

What caused this revelation was that tonight we went to the RK show. Me and Vicki and Mel. The old crew. We spent so many nights together in 2001. And now... our lives are so different. I was talking to Vicki about this. She reminded me that Heather's birthday party was the day after Thanksgiving last year. Now it seems like a million years ago. That was the night of confessions to me. I told Joe I liked him, told Vicki I smoked... I cried in the bathroom floor of Denny's to Heather. Now, I have Brian, Vicki has Trevor, I haven't seen Joe in 6 months, Meg doesn't even hang out with him anymore, I haven't talked to Heather in about 9 months... so much has changed.

I don't know. Don't get me wrong. I love Brian and I love living on my own. But that time was the happiest I think I'd ever been. It was a time that I actually felt good about myself. I actually liked being me. And that was something I'd been struggling with my entire life. And for that summer, I truly conquered that part of me. I miss the feelings I felt. I miss the closeness I had with Vicki and Mel... I miss it all. And yet, I know that if I went back to that, it wouldn't be enough. Or at least it wouldn't be as great as it was the first time. It couldn't possibly be. Part of the amazing thing about that time was the fact that I FINALLY felt good about myself. It was the newness of it all, the wonder, the awe that I felt in the fact that I could wake up in the morning and think, "Hey, I'm a pretty good person." When you've struggled with self-image your entire life, that's the best thing in the world.

So we went to the show and it rocked. And they played "Any Day Now" and that rocked. I was excited. Mark said they'd be back in a couple months with Homegrown, but Clint also promised that they'd be back last February and they didn't come back until May. So we'll see. But Mel, Vicki, and I already said we're going to that show. So it'll be another night for memories.