So we had a fight tonight. And it's over. I mainly just want him to know that I'm going to be depressed every winter for the rest of my life. That's who I am. It's called Seasonal Affective Disorder and it's with me 24/7 from about October until about March. And I can't change it. I can't just say, "Hey I don't feel like being this way anymore" and have it work. And I need for him to understand it. I need for him to know that this isn't going to get better with time. It's not like next winter will be different. It's here to stay and that's that.

I'm here, I'm depressed, get used to it.

It really all comes down to (and I hate bringing this up years after the fact) my first boyfriend and the rift this caused between us. The going got tough for him and he gave up. And I won't do it again. I absolutely will not be made to feel like shit because of who I am. I will not be made to feel like I'm unlovable because of who I am. Yes, it's hard to be with me sometimes. I know this and I make no pretenses about it. It's one thing if I said, "Hey, I'm the easiest person to deal with and you will have no problems with me." But I didn't. I told him I was complicated. He wanted in anyway. And this is what he has to deal with.

I said it would be hard to deal with me. Don't get pissed off at me just because it's harder than you thought. Grr.

But anyway, we made up and I think he understands a little better. I just want him to know that this isn't something that's going to happen once and then be forgotten. Every winter, until the day I die, I will be anti-social. I will be angry. I will be difficult to be around. I will unintentionally bring people down.

It's not something you can cure with a change of circumstance. It's a chemical imbalance, and short of moving to some place perpetually sunny, no change of situation or circumstance is going to make this go away.

And that's what happened to me today.